Friday, September 3, 2010

Pot Helps pt. 27

I left it in the South
where down there everyone is an open mouth
And I wouldn’t have had to feel this way up to and including now,
no, now
If my tires weren't going ‘round and ‘round and ‘round and ‘round
to the inside sound,
and the outside sights,
To the way we can’t help how we are all always bathed in light, even at night
and
Out here on those American highways with names that always end in a zero or five
I was adding miles, subtracting time,
feeling finally alive for once in a lifetime,
feeling like I could have screamed your name to stop time,
and live in four-bar measures that do nothing but repeat your eyes.

Because I don’t need shit, as long as I got my weed and my wine,
you fucking goons might as well be dying the way you live your lives
Always on the try, reach, achieve,
never on the do.
Always on the ‘this is what they say I am’
and not the ‘who am I, who are you?’
And I’m not about to label all the things that make me down and out,
war, family, friendship, money and doubt,
Not going to gather and organize my pouts.
Not going to stop and listen so you can tell me what life is all about,
because I’m the ugly mouth, the afterlife scout,
the one your mothers should have but didn’t know how to warn you about.
the one who pays no attention to the mongering, stuffing, spitting, open mouths,
the one who says:
When death comes, I’m out.

Pot Helps pt. 26

Perhaps you noticed I don't just go along, to go along
I feel its wrong
I feel it the same way that I feel songs
the way I feel what's wrong
like a perfect ass in a thong, hid beneath sweatpants
I could rant,
I could rave,
I could make you dance
I could make you wonder about the stars in the sky and what happens when you die
I could make you dance
But I don't give a fuck about that,
only about that big ole butt in them sweatpants
oh man
making me go "oh man"
like I just made a mess in my pants
What the fuck
and who the fuck
and where the fuck do I get some peace?
Can I get some non-attention from beasts?
Thinkin' I want to cancel my body's lease.
And I will.
I've lost all possibility of thrills
you wouldn't even know what it's like at all
until,
out of the periphery you see that big ole butt in them sweatpants
and you can't even lift your head,
let alone dance.

Pot Helps pt. 25

Mom?

Yes

Mom, I need you to use better punctuation with me please. Prove to me you want to be here.

Ok.

Mom?

Yes?

That is better.

Why am I here?

I brought you here.

Why?

Because I miss you.

Oh, well-

And because I hear this song 'Hunger Strike' and I think of things like the early 90's, your time, our time, when we lived in the cabin over summer and fashion was the way it was back then and I was a stupid ball of flesh and you would rock the stereo all day and the Van Morrison and Black Crowes stopped up in there in my brain somewhere back then and dropped off a little beacon that activates when I hear them again and it causes me to think of things like....like..., I guess it's just nostalgia.

That was a long time ago.

I know. But it isn't really, because I swear when the ringing timbre of a guitar or vocal melody punctures me in a way I feel for certain that I can look into and around and I can feel it around me somewhere like I'm in a chair blindfolded and it's some freshly cut, open orange being waved around my head in orbit and I know it's there for certain because it just is, because it's there, but the problem is I want to take a grand carnivorous bite out of all of it and to finally feel it all at once the death and the life OF IT ALL and the pure nasolacrimal emotion OF IT ALL, the pure, pineal orgasm of it and I just can't and the best I can get is one fleeting citrus whiff of it all around me and it's just too much sometimes because it's almost a huge letdown if not for it coming around again and again and teasing me and sucking me in to ponder and waste time wondering about it thinking about isolating things like death and such and getting all fucking confused about it and guessing myself up and down a fucking wall and the worst part is when I do get a good whiff of that citrus, light-filled emotion my first reaction is that I should write about it.

Wait a minute,-

But when I go to write it all down it's not there because it's like, how do you digest a whiff of something?

Hmm.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Is any of this real?

Unfortunately no. You are dead and I'm trying to fill voids with poetry and musings. And dialogue about how I ressurected you, on page, in order to find out what you know about what it is that drives me nuts day after day and what forces me to do the poetry and musings and dialogue.

Hmm

And if I can't even breathe enough life into to give you punctuation then what the fuck can I even do anyways?

You can die

I can write.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pot Helps pt. 24 (When the Lights Go Off)

There he stood next to the vehicle while she laid against the passenger window, soaking up the last remaining minutes of sleep she were allowed before her turn at the wheel.

As he gave her more time, moving to the rear of the vehicle to open and remove one of the remaining plastic 10-gallon gasoline containers from the blanketed trunk and use it to top off the gas tank which has fallen to half-full since the last stop taken to rest the car and to empty bowels.

She's awake, smoking one of her last remaining cigarettes, standing next to him as he stretches his hamstrings on the shoulder of the road, she complaining to no end about her level of energy and him having to maintain all levels of awareness and tidiness since their departure for the both of them, for the most part, as a look of disgust crosses his map as he faces opposite to her in order to stretch his lower back, the pain of which has no desire to depart.

As he worries about what may happen having her behind the wheel as he tries to sleep off a 12-hour long straight drive, going over what could be very dangerous scenarios involving him the sleeping passenger and her the soft, potential victim to whomever decides to make her one.

Deciding instead to instruct her to sleep some more, appearing as the noble gentleman looking for a place to stop so 'we can both get some quality rest together in the tent,' as he contemplate what challenges lie ahead in the grey, unpromising future heading towards the mountains of the northwest.

Not totally understanding the events leading to the packing of the thirty-aught-six, whatever food possible, clothing, blankets and gasoline for a trip out west, other than something about the Straight of Hormuz, oil price linked to the American Dollar and what he heard to be called the inevitable collapse of the world economy.

A lot of friends have died because of recent world events that he didn't fully understand.

And yet here she sleeps, unshaken and still acting entitled as if this were all just a slight hiccup in her destiny of leisure and critiquing leisure.

As he watched his former love oversleep, and his faith in love boil away and bubble over into something more resembling a total desire to prove his survivability.

Rendering that which he controlled, the vehicle and their futures, to turn down a side road in order to find a place suitable for the vehicle and them to rest, out of sight from the larger roads in case some sort of marauding crew decides to pirate their gas and food.

New lives of which they have had no contact or knowledge of the events in the outside world for the last 6 days, spent in hiatus at the cabin waiting for his family which never showed, worrying about complacency, and deciding to round up the post-apoc materials gathered there the previous year by his veteran father, a wonderful man of outdoor nature who had no fear of coming death and taught his children the same, taking the goods that at the time had more worth than any offshore account, strapping into the vehicle and riding off west almost exactly 13 hours ago, heading for a land with an even more sporadic population density than that of the lonely Minnesota cabin frequented by his aging father in previously known peaceful home front years.

As he took another turn, off the side road, onto a gravel crop-access road formerly used by farmers, the kind with the two dirt paths for tires with grass in the middle, finding a quiet spot hidden among a jut of trees seemingly planted years ago to separate the farmer's fields and turning off the vehicle, awakening her.

As she immediately opened the door to smoke another cigarette, probably assuming they had driven for another few hours instead of twenty minutes.

And he, deciding then and there that he could most certainly drive another two or maybe at least 4 hours away from where he was going to leave this nuisance, here on the ground, increasing his share of the remaining food supply by two, having no concrete plan but at least having conviction, like a cold front that's already here, moving about the trees pretending as if he was looking for something useful as she succumbed to her own laziness yet again and sat on the hood of the car finishing her cigarette and remaining silent, as he presents from the brush of the jut of trees with one thick branch, approaching the car, keeping his head down to maintain the notion of tiredness, raising his head slowly to ask her if she could reach in the vehicle and grab a lighter out of his jacket, waiting for her to do so and positioning himself opposite the passenger side car door which she was using to enter the vehicle, she turning around with a lighter in her hand as he timed the swing of the tree branch perfectly, striking her head with a precision that will have to be counted as damn good timing and luck, most likely hard to come by in these post-whatever times, hearing simultaneously a thud and a cracking sound, as she flop to the ground next to the vehicle, which was now clicking as it cooled off, as he brought the branch up and down upon her head several more times, feeling both rage and compassion, wanting her dead quickly to limit any chance for pain, or confusion and hatred towards him, her former lover, feeling burned, feeling hate, wondering what America really was, or is, as the money in his wallet began to take on its previous value from the week prior and his lights came back on at home.



Pot Helps pt. 23

During seven years past of a war that left more marks on my heart than my skin it tanned and movies made of such inaccuracies, marginalizing experiences; as far as I’m concerned it’s all total crap, taking me out of context yet one more time and again if only because you can’t encompass my context what with that culture injected tiny little brain and how it is that I can be alive and well here on one total American summer Sunday with yet to receive a phone call from my disenchanted disenfranchised disemboweled family that squirt me out like they couldn’t even see like a little bit into the future and yet here I am alive and well even after one dead rotting dog stuffed with explosives was meant to kill me and I knew very well then that day hoping to go home for two weeks of rest and relaxation to those people and yet I wonder what sort of disemboweled phrases would come out of the mouths of those people who decided they wanted me until I was around like I was some sort of appetizer that they thought maybe sounded like a good idea until it showed up in front of their faces and they really could smell it now and what it brought with it and here I am about to be more than accomplished than the whole fucking lot of you and you can’t even smell the nuclear war yet what a fucking shame on you as I trip slowly towards the past reclaiming all that’s mine like this face this body this mind this planet all of this time.

Pot Helps pt. 22

Could you ever have had to believe where it was when I was not just a victim but here I am and I can keep going don't you feel like daring me you don't even know me you thought you knew me you didn't know that I could climb up on second story ledges and run on my feet a lot faster than you and you were like holy shit how the fuck did he get so fast on his feet and I've got a majority of my body weight right here, HERE, in my thighs and man I would not want to be some unknowing corner-crosser meeting the full force here of my right leg, the business end of it, because I could probably collapse a few chests or so like when I imagine how uneven it would be for me to fight like your girlfriend or something because really I'm not a violent person or anything but man I can't help to size people up most of the time and what really kills me is to think of things I would never want to happen for REAL except if it was like in some sort of matrix virtual reality world where I could fight a roomful of punks of 12 years of age without having to be the most hated man in America after someone had found out I was picking kids up by their feet and swinging them like how an Olympic athlete would do the hammer throw only because when I thought of it at home by myself I literally L.aughed O.ut L.oud at the whole concept and that's what I do I think of these awkwardly violent yet funny things to keep me from getting violent on myself because one of my very last vestiges of peace is when I'm filling up my water glass and I have a real good hearty 'HA!' out loud to the empty apartment and, myself.

Hate Mail pt. 1 (pilot)

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: what are you fukcing stupid?
Date: 27 Jul 2010 22:31:08
From: Bill Bilhou
To: frank

You dumb drab fucking shithead goon. You are nothing more than a mustached Guido fuck with a potbelly under a pro wrestling t shirt that just screams ‘please will someone please butt fuck me with a fire hydrant?’ If it weren’t for this stupid fucking ankle bracelet and the fact that my sister thinks she likes you and your bogus hair lip sweaty face bullshit I would be over there in a fucking hummingbird’s heartbeat to rip your kidneys out with my grandma’s favorite oven mitts. Next time you drive by this house go ahead and give me that canine smile and see how long it takes before someone has to call an ambulance in order to take you to the hospital so all the experienced ER staff there can stand around wondering how exactly it is you have a manhole cover where your guts used to be. Try me motherfucker.