Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Pot Helps pt. 24 (When the Lights Go Off)

There he stood next to the vehicle while she laid against the passenger window, soaking up the last remaining minutes of sleep she were allowed before her turn at the wheel.

As he gave her more time, moving to the rear of the vehicle to open and remove one of the remaining plastic 10-gallon gasoline containers from the blanketed trunk and use it to top off the gas tank which has fallen to half-full since the last stop taken to rest the car and to empty bowels.

She's awake, smoking one of her last remaining cigarettes, standing next to him as he stretches his hamstrings on the shoulder of the road, she complaining to no end about her level of energy and him having to maintain all levels of awareness and tidiness since their departure for the both of them, for the most part, as a look of disgust crosses his map as he faces opposite to her in order to stretch his lower back, the pain of which has no desire to depart.

As he worries about what may happen having her behind the wheel as he tries to sleep off a 12-hour long straight drive, going over what could be very dangerous scenarios involving him the sleeping passenger and her the soft, potential victim to whomever decides to make her one.

Deciding instead to instruct her to sleep some more, appearing as the noble gentleman looking for a place to stop so 'we can both get some quality rest together in the tent,' as he contemplate what challenges lie ahead in the grey, unpromising future heading towards the mountains of the northwest.

Not totally understanding the events leading to the packing of the thirty-aught-six, whatever food possible, clothing, blankets and gasoline for a trip out west, other than something about the Straight of Hormuz, oil price linked to the American Dollar and what he heard to be called the inevitable collapse of the world economy.

A lot of friends have died because of recent world events that he didn't fully understand.

And yet here she sleeps, unshaken and still acting entitled as if this were all just a slight hiccup in her destiny of leisure and critiquing leisure.

As he watched his former love oversleep, and his faith in love boil away and bubble over into something more resembling a total desire to prove his survivability.

Rendering that which he controlled, the vehicle and their futures, to turn down a side road in order to find a place suitable for the vehicle and them to rest, out of sight from the larger roads in case some sort of marauding crew decides to pirate their gas and food.

New lives of which they have had no contact or knowledge of the events in the outside world for the last 6 days, spent in hiatus at the cabin waiting for his family which never showed, worrying about complacency, and deciding to round up the post-apoc materials gathered there the previous year by his veteran father, a wonderful man of outdoor nature who had no fear of coming death and taught his children the same, taking the goods that at the time had more worth than any offshore account, strapping into the vehicle and riding off west almost exactly 13 hours ago, heading for a land with an even more sporadic population density than that of the lonely Minnesota cabin frequented by his aging father in previously known peaceful home front years.

As he took another turn, off the side road, onto a gravel crop-access road formerly used by farmers, the kind with the two dirt paths for tires with grass in the middle, finding a quiet spot hidden among a jut of trees seemingly planted years ago to separate the farmer's fields and turning off the vehicle, awakening her.

As she immediately opened the door to smoke another cigarette, probably assuming they had driven for another few hours instead of twenty minutes.

And he, deciding then and there that he could most certainly drive another two or maybe at least 4 hours away from where he was going to leave this nuisance, here on the ground, increasing his share of the remaining food supply by two, having no concrete plan but at least having conviction, like a cold front that's already here, moving about the trees pretending as if he was looking for something useful as she succumbed to her own laziness yet again and sat on the hood of the car finishing her cigarette and remaining silent, as he presents from the brush of the jut of trees with one thick branch, approaching the car, keeping his head down to maintain the notion of tiredness, raising his head slowly to ask her if she could reach in the vehicle and grab a lighter out of his jacket, waiting for her to do so and positioning himself opposite the passenger side car door which she was using to enter the vehicle, she turning around with a lighter in her hand as he timed the swing of the tree branch perfectly, striking her head with a precision that will have to be counted as damn good timing and luck, most likely hard to come by in these post-whatever times, hearing simultaneously a thud and a cracking sound, as she flop to the ground next to the vehicle, which was now clicking as it cooled off, as he brought the branch up and down upon her head several more times, feeling both rage and compassion, wanting her dead quickly to limit any chance for pain, or confusion and hatred towards him, her former lover, feeling burned, feeling hate, wondering what America really was, or is, as the money in his wallet began to take on its previous value from the week prior and his lights came back on at home.



Pot Helps pt. 23

During seven years past of a war that left more marks on my heart than my skin it tanned and movies made of such inaccuracies, marginalizing experiences; as far as I’m concerned it’s all total crap, taking me out of context yet one more time and again if only because you can’t encompass my context what with that culture injected tiny little brain and how it is that I can be alive and well here on one total American summer Sunday with yet to receive a phone call from my disenchanted disenfranchised disemboweled family that squirt me out like they couldn’t even see like a little bit into the future and yet here I am alive and well even after one dead rotting dog stuffed with explosives was meant to kill me and I knew very well then that day hoping to go home for two weeks of rest and relaxation to those people and yet I wonder what sort of disemboweled phrases would come out of the mouths of those people who decided they wanted me until I was around like I was some sort of appetizer that they thought maybe sounded like a good idea until it showed up in front of their faces and they really could smell it now and what it brought with it and here I am about to be more than accomplished than the whole fucking lot of you and you can’t even smell the nuclear war yet what a fucking shame on you as I trip slowly towards the past reclaiming all that’s mine like this face this body this mind this planet all of this time.

Pot Helps pt. 22

Could you ever have had to believe where it was when I was not just a victim but here I am and I can keep going don't you feel like daring me you don't even know me you thought you knew me you didn't know that I could climb up on second story ledges and run on my feet a lot faster than you and you were like holy shit how the fuck did he get so fast on his feet and I've got a majority of my body weight right here, HERE, in my thighs and man I would not want to be some unknowing corner-crosser meeting the full force here of my right leg, the business end of it, because I could probably collapse a few chests or so like when I imagine how uneven it would be for me to fight like your girlfriend or something because really I'm not a violent person or anything but man I can't help to size people up most of the time and what really kills me is to think of things I would never want to happen for REAL except if it was like in some sort of matrix virtual reality world where I could fight a roomful of punks of 12 years of age without having to be the most hated man in America after someone had found out I was picking kids up by their feet and swinging them like how an Olympic athlete would do the hammer throw only because when I thought of it at home by myself I literally L.aughed O.ut L.oud at the whole concept and that's what I do I think of these awkwardly violent yet funny things to keep me from getting violent on myself because one of my very last vestiges of peace is when I'm filling up my water glass and I have a real good hearty 'HA!' out loud to the empty apartment and, myself.

Hate Mail pt. 1 (pilot)

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: what are you fukcing stupid?
Date: 27 Jul 2010 22:31:08
From: Bill Bilhou
To: frank

You dumb drab fucking shithead goon. You are nothing more than a mustached Guido fuck with a potbelly under a pro wrestling t shirt that just screams ‘please will someone please butt fuck me with a fire hydrant?’ If it weren’t for this stupid fucking ankle bracelet and the fact that my sister thinks she likes you and your bogus hair lip sweaty face bullshit I would be over there in a fucking hummingbird’s heartbeat to rip your kidneys out with my grandma’s favorite oven mitts. Next time you drive by this house go ahead and give me that canine smile and see how long it takes before someone has to call an ambulance in order to take you to the hospital so all the experienced ER staff there can stand around wondering how exactly it is you have a manhole cover where your guts used to be. Try me motherfucker.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Pot Helps pt. 21

You only say you can't imagine pure nothing because you can imagine everything but you don't and the worst part is you don't even realize you can imagine everything in the first place because we just follow the ball which causes us to be broken down and forget things that we once felt like all those pins in needles in our legs when we were a bit new at the game and also thought that we could see through objects that were up close when we couldn't understand right then and there the power of having two forward eyes for viewing.

Because I've been to places where I shoplifted to get a girl and places where I couldn't suck the air into my lungs fast enough and I've drank more glasses of water than I've had mornings where I woke up with a positive attitude and that don't mean a fucking thing except that I have a bit more appreciation for when a bona fide positive attitude comes around or at least that is the excuse I give so people will get off my fucking back because I couldn't even tell you where I stop or if I already have.

So I'm going to do what I do best is make a to-do list and cross some things off and get to put the cap on my pen for one more day so I can stand up not without a stiffness in my back but in a better attitude with which to receive it as I finally make my first trip of the day outside only to cross [5. Exercise] off my list as I run past the small gathering outside that one fucking restaurant and one of the patrons applauds what he believes to be rocks in my backpack as I run, carrying myself and the extra weight up on back towards my lovely hole I found for myself here near our small but suitable coast, carved out of a dying empire, constantly brainstorming gun-laden plans for defending myself against what seems to be an eventual mudslide towards economic collapse and the regrettable military style reactions that everyone should but doesn't and only me a handful of my paisanos worry about.

As I sit here wearing the loose cyan pants worn by our father on the night of your birth in a hospital, as I slept unknowingly in my basement catacomb at a ripe and shaky 13 years of age, the same shaky age at which you find yourself now, these pants littered with lounged days and depressed sighs, piss stains from a lazily shaken dick and depleted cups of tea and water, the same pants I took with me on one return trip to a desert country I could have lived without seeing again and which I could only imagine what immensities and possibilities regarding which you may or may not be curious to think about concerning me and the life you have come to realize is quite unlike what you ever may have even imagined before. And for some reason I’m sorry.

Because I will say here what I will most likely say many times hereafter about how I feel most like some sort of burnt out nerve ending, sent to occupy an earthly mass like a pinpoint between the dynamics of palm-faced, shaking-head fantods and smoke billowing apathy and to come up with no sum short of that I’m just a bit tired and could use a coma or something to recharge because I’m running on low and I’m fucking sick of having to keep my droopy, exhausted gaze upon convincing myself to keep this earthly mass for like a week or two more and to do so I have to imagine a not too distant futures filled with hand to mouth survival and basic righteousness of which I will shine like a motherfucking supernova because then it really will be a level playing field unlike what you were born into and accept without question or curiosity and I seem to have a nuclear powered radar for and am just fucking sick of having to absorb the suffering you choose not to see because you allowed your culture to turn off your radar for you.

And all the while I'm oh so nasolacrimal-ly sorry.

Pot Helps pt. 20

I refuse with grace the corrupt philter from your RGB eyes
I despise
Naifs and Fops, all of whom counter my cries
and they often win
with few syllables
rejecting any notion of peace or goodwill as sin
and too voluble
but I am unshaken,
a cosmopolite of deaths and awakenings,
sometimes stuck,
the dynamic is amazing,
because I maintain a Chthonic mind full of both peace and hating.
so patiently waiting, smelling the view
a summer day's clarity which might prove to be too good to be true,
to change the brainwashing message you send with your three eyes:
the Red, Green and Blue.

Pot Helps pt. 19

YOU KNOW WHAT
HOW ABOUT FUCK YOU
HOW ABOUT YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE
WHAT WITH YOUR BANDANNAS AND SHADES AND BROWN BOTTLED SOCIAL LUBRICANT GLUE,
FUCK YOU
AND CONDESCENDING TO ME WHILE YOU'RE THE ONE WITH CAPRI PANTS ON
I COULDN'T HELP BUT JUGGLE MY LAUGHTER WITH A PUNCH OF YOUR FACE,
OR YOUR MOTHER'S FACE THAT I ALWAYS JUST RECENTLY CAME ON
CAUSE I DON'T DROP BOMBS
I CARPET BOMB
I GET INSIDE YOUR HEAD AND STAB YOUR THOUGHTS WITH SHIT-TIPPED SPEARS
LIKE THE UNDEFEATED VIETCONG
ASKING ME WHAT'S WRONG
LIKE YOU NEED SOME SORT OF AN EXPLANATION
I SEE DEBT SLAVERY SO CLEAR WE MIGHT AS WELL BE ON THE MOTHERFUCKING PLANTATION
WE GOT A LITTLE RAIN AND YOU COULDN'T HAVE WAITED
TO PUT US ON PAR WITH THOSE POOR DEAD HAITIANS
TWISTED FUCKING RELATIONS IN THE YEAR TWENTY TEN
AND YOU'RE AT IT AGAIN
LIVING FOR THOSE ADVERTISING MESSAGES JAMMED ALL THE WAY DOWN IN YOUR HEAD
AND YOU DO WHAT THEY TELL YOU TO DO NOW THEN AND NEXT
FEAR DEATH
OR ANYTHING THAT CAUSES YOU TO SLOW DOWN HOW YOU SPEND
BECAUSE IT'S ALL FUCKING MADE UP
LIKE THE WORDS THAT COME FROM THE LAVA OF MY GUT
AND THE INFLATED THINGS YOU'LL PROBABLY WANT TO SAY
AFTER YOU HEAR ABOUT MY WRIST
THAT GOT CUT

so get fucked.