I guess what probably happens is that when it comes around it has some sort of electromagnetic pulse thing that diverts all my inspirational musings and other assorted bullshit into just those thoughts that some people label dark but I bet it's part of some larger worldly plan for myself that I can't see just yet or maybe I'm just hoping that that's what it is.
Or do I care? I don't know.
Because it's like when it's around I care and I don't care at the same time and I try and try to explain the benefits of apathy to someone because inside somewhere it's telling me that apathy is also hard work at the same time because you have to to be thinking about it or something and at the same time I'm confused as hell because when the cloud is around and I'm thinking about this stuff there are those moments where I'm all "I Get it!" and as soon as I have that emphatic exclamatory moment, I mean like the second I have it, I'm receding back into confusion and I have this like, economic cycle of thought because the instant I reach my 'peak' of awareness of whatever it is this cloud is trying to teach me, I'm already in a recession, then down to a trough and about 4-6 weeks later I get to another sort of 'peak' and I don't really know or I am not fully aware of whether or not I'm actually learning something with all these peaks of awareness, or what I think is awareness, or if I'm just getting more and more confused and maybe that's the cloud's purpose because of course it does give me those thoughts that of course I am not supposed to be talking about otherwise you may all get uncomfortable but it is something I think about often and don't really have anyone to talk about it with because they may get the impression that I am trying to hurt myself, which I'm not.
Well, I guess the biggest problem with the cloud, oh and you can't see this cloud, I guess it's just some weak absolute metaphor to call whatever it is that occurs every 4-6 weeks a 'cloud' because I bet as soon as I called it that you imagined a dark rain cloud. Please disregard that imagery and just imagine it as 'clouds of thought' or 'winds of thought.'
Right, well the biggest problem is probably in feeling completely genuine and at the same exact time feeling like I'm this worthless piece of non-inspirational cannon fodder and I'm thinking it wouldn't be so bad if I was just one day feeling like a P.O.S. and the next feeling genuine because then maybe I'd be better at discerning between what I produce as being 'genuine works' or 'expendable works mostly done for practice and if nothing else just to keep my brain in shape,' I guess. But see when that cloud is around, and again please try to abolish any imagery of rain clouds from your head when I refer to it as that and of course the coincidental hilarity of all this is that at this exact moment a storm front is moving in and I'm wondering if this is a part of my 'thought clouds' timing to enact a rain storm the minute I am trying to explain to you that these 'thought clouds' are not in fact rain clouds. Regardless, what sucks about it the most is that when those two conflicting beliefs about how confident I feel collide, the negative seems to have an even more profound impact because the 'feeling like I'm this worthless piece of non-inspirational cannon fodder' mood probably totally leaks into the 'feeling completely genuine' mood and makes me feel even more worthless because now I'm questioning whether or not those feelings of being genuine are actually genuine at all and it's not just my own stupid human chemicals moving around, and that maybe those chemicals are just some bullshit biological barrier from keeping every single person from being totally consumed by their 'thought clouds' and running a steak knife through their wrist to counter the hyper-awareness.
Again, no.
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